Re: [Swprograms] BBC Defines Conditions For Resumption of SW to North America

["Scott Royall" <royall@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Oh, how badly you must miss the horse.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: swprograms-bounces@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:swprograms-bounces@hard-core-
> dx.com] On Behalf Of Joe Buch
> Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 11:25
> To: SW Programs
> Subject: [Swprograms] BBC Defines Conditions For Resumption of SW to North
> America
>
> The BBC World Service has announced the conditions under which it would
resume
> shortwave broadcasting to North America.
>
> In light of the USA's continuing failure to handle its economy and to
> nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern
> themselves, the USA must agree to the revocation of independence.(if
necessary,look up
> 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) The USA shall become the
most southerly
> province of the British Commonwealth country, Canada.
>
> The Queen will then appoint the Governor General of Canada to be her
representative
> over the newly expanded territory with all the vast power now exercised by
the Canadian
> Governor General.  Each state of the present USA will become a Canadian
riding with
> one member of parliament sent to Ottawa. The House of Repreentatives and
the Senate
> are to be disbanded.
>
> To aid our new subjects to rejoin the British Empire as a province of
Canada, the
> following rules are to be accepted unconditionally:
>
> -----------------------
>
> 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
> will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected
> to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up
> 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
>
> 2. There will be no such thing as U.S . English. English is the language
the BBC speaks.
> The BBC will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be
> modified to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
>
> 3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday to acknowledge the
> end of the USA's unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence.
>
> 4. New subjects of HRH Queen Elizabeth II will learn to resolve personal
issues without
> using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists
> shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only
be used for
> shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
spending hours
> with a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
>
> 5. Therefore, subjects will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 6. All intersections shall be replaced with roundabouts, and subjects
shall drive on the left
> side of the road immediately. Using
> roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand
> the British sense of humour.
>
> 7. At the same time, all forms of measurement will go metric with
> immediate effect. The BBC had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that
it works
> better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your
> monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be
> permitted to adopt the Canadian dollar as your form of currency.
>
> 8. Speaking of money, you shall adopt UK prices on petrol (which
> you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/Canadian per
gallon. Get used
> to it.
>
> 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on
> their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation
> on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer.
> They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has
> done for them.
>
> American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
> Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until
> you get used to drinking proper beer.
>
> 10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys.
> Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
> Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
>
> 11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football.
> There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it
> soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
> rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
> hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
> the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
>
> 13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad.
>
> 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all past
monetary
> obligations incurred since 1776 including reparations for the cost of your
Revolutionary
> War forward priced to today at 6% per year).
>
> 15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you
> mistakenly call catsup).
>
> 16. Tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. daily with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you
> mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus fresh strawberries (with
> cream) when in season.
>
> You have until 1 April 2009 to agree to these conditions.  Failure to do
so will not only
> result in the continuing absence of BBC on shortwave, but severe
to-be-defined sanctions
> such as prohibitions on British citizens' further purchases of depressed
Florida condos,
> export restrictions on bleeding Watney's Red Barrel, and restraints on
purchase of spare
> Lucas electrical and ignition components for your antique MG's, Triumphs,
Austins and
> Sunbeams which fail with regularity.
>
> God Save the Queen!
>
>
>
>
>
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