[Swprograms] BBC Defines Conditions For Resumption of SW to North America

[Joe Buch <josephbuch@xxxxxxxxx>]

The BBC World Service has announced the conditions under which it would resume shortwave broadcasting to North America.

In light of the USA's continuing failure to handle its economy and to 
nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern 
themselves, the USA must agree to the revocation of independence.(if necessary,look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) The USA shall become the most southerly province of the British Commonwealth country, Canada.

The Queen will then appoint the Governor General of Canada to be her representative over the newly expanded territory with all the vast power now exercised by the Canadian Governor General.  Each state of the present USA will become a Canadian riding with one member of parliament sent to Ottawa. The House of Repreentatives and the Senate are to be disbanded. 

To aid our new subjects to rejoin the British Empire as a province of Canada, the following rules are to be accepted unconditionally: 

----------------------- 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell 
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' 
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected 
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up 
'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 

2. There will be no such thing as U.S . English. English is the language the BBC speaks. The BBC will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be modified to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 

3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday to acknowledge the 
end of the USA's unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence. 

4. New subjects of HRH Queen Elizabeth II will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spending hours with a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, subjects will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything 
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if 
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

6. All intersections shall be replaced with roundabouts, and subjects shall drive on the left side of the road immediately. Using
roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand 
the British sense of humour. 

7. At the same time, all forms of measurement will go metric with 
immediate effect. The BBC had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it works better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your 
monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be 
permitted to adopt the Canadian dollar as your form of currency. 

8. Speaking of money, you shall adopt UK prices on petrol (which 
you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/Canadian per gallon. Get used to it. 

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to 
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on 
their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation 
on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer. 
They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has 
done for them. 

American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's 
Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until 
you get used to drinking proper beer. 

10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. 
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English 
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four 
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears 
removed with a cheese grater. 

11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football. 
There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it 
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play 
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not 
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar 
body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to 
hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played 
outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face 
the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad. 

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all past monetary obligations incurred since 1776 including reparations for the cost of your Revolutionary War forward priced to today at 6% per year). 

15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French 
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato 
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in 
animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you 
mistakenly call catsup). 

16. Tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. daily with proper cups, with 
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you 
mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus fresh strawberries (with 
cream) when in season. 

You have until 1 April 2009 to agree to these conditions.  Failure to do so will not only result in the continuing absence of BBC on shortwave, but severe to-be-defined sanctions such as prohibitions on British citizens' further purchases of depressed Florida condos, export restrictions on bleeding Watney's Red Barrel, and restraints on purchase of spare Lucas electrical and ignition components for your antique MG's, Triumphs, Austins and Sunbeams which fail with regularity.

God Save the Queen!




      
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